Doing my Dhoti

 

During the marketing management course in MBA, we’re constantly badgered with the 4 Ps – Product, Price, Place, Promotion. Every marketing manager’s day and night and mind (or lack of it) begins and ends with these 4 Ps. During Police service, I came across a different expansion, Politicians, Press, Police and a fourth profession starting with P. One of my colleagues was fond of saying – these 4 Ps are the most untrustworthy of the lot. This piece deals with the first category, the men in Dhoti, the politicians. 

For my marriage, I had applied for seven days’ Casual Leave which was granted. When I was saying ‘see you’s to my colleagues, one Dhotiwala from the ruling party, Shanti Dolui (name changed) landed up and started telling everyone that his party supporters were about to get attacked. Since it was in the island area, he wanted us to block any mobilisation by the opposition party on the rivers so that his poor dear supporters’ lives would be spared. We all thought he was just being hyper but did arrange for police launches patrolling the rivers. I went home, packed and left for the railway station to board the train. Just as I was getting down from the vehicle with my suitcase, an Inspector came running, apologised for being the bearer of bad tidings, and told me that my leave was cancelled and I had to rush back to office. 

I was shocked and surprised but, orders being orders, rushed back to office. What I found out was that far from his supporters being attacked, Shanti Dolui had himself mobilised a lot of his supporters the previous night and launched an attack on the opposition supporters. He had manipulated the Police into arranging the patrolling so that the opposition couldn’t counter-mobilise. However, the opposition supporters in place proved to be numerically stronger and in the skirmish, the ruling party supporters had suffered heavy casualties. Now, I was being tasked to establish peace and rehabilitate the ruling party supporters. I was furious. I also asked why, when I’d proceeded on leave, another Addl SP couldn’t have been sent. Only to be told that no one else was daring to visit the area. 

Cut to a little later. The world had moved on and I had grown up a little and was a Deputy Commissioner in Calcutta Police. While we cops were chasing dacoits, robbers and murderers, the government panicked about something else – Delhi government had fallen because onion prices breached Rs. 50 mark. Every day, there was a meeting chaired by either the Finance Minister or the Home Minister in the state regarding prices of different commodities in different markets in West Bengal and Calcutta. 

In one of the meetings, the honourable Minister averred, “Look, Bengalis will forgive us other vegetable price rises; they will never forgive us rise in the price of potato – 80 % of the country’s potato is grown here. Please stop any export of potato to other states.” His highness’s words were our command and we blocked the four exit routes out of the state for potatoes. This obviously became big news. The next day, Andhra CM told the press, “West Bengal is not giving us potatoes? Fine, we’ll not send any fish to West Bengal.” I didn’t know then but, apparently, 70 % of the fish consumed in West Bengal came from Andhra. 

That was doomsday, followed by emergency meetings. Potato price was actually “small potato” compared to a fish price hike in West Bengal. Potato export to Andhra was expressly “allowed.” For one full week thereafter, I had to report the prices of various categories of fish to the highest authorities. 

During a central government tenure, I was the no. 2 in an organisation. When my Boss retired, I was preparing for a new Boss (whoever he would be). Unfortunately, there were a lot of illegal demands on my organisation because at that time there was a lot of corruption in the air and in the particular sector my organisation was in. My Boss had held firm and was very unpopular with the Minister and LMP (Like Minded People). The Minister happened to be a Jatt. Before retiring, when pressured for an obnoxious favour, my Boss had remarked, “Even if I wanted to do it, my officers, B.B. Dash and others won’t let me …” So the LMP were wary of me. To my chagrin, they not only decided to keep my Boss’s post vacant but gave the charge to a junior guy from outside who they thought would be more pliant and “controllable.” 

I tried to protest but it was all falling on deaf ears. One day I got thoroughly het up and put down everything in writing and sent it across. There was panic and consternation in equal parts. I believe, the LMP told the Minister how I had exceeded all possible limits. The Minister read through the whole missive, twice, then burst out laughing and merely said, “Yeh toh mere jaisa hai … poora Jatt hai.” The matter went to the Prime Minister and I was given the charge – the (un?)happy situation lasted almost four years. 

One Chief Minister (CM) used to actively stoke sycophancy. On the CM’s birthday, all the Ministers and MLAs used to compete to recite the longest poem in honour of the CM. Whenever the CM would travel by air, all the Ministers and many MLAs used to crowd around at the airport. The CISF Commandant at the airport was fed up and developed a routine. He used to draw a circle. All these worthies used to stand inside the circle with their heads bowed until the CM convoy zoomed past. One day the Commandant asked them why they were crowding there when the CM didn’t even bother to glance at them. One of them said, “You don’t know … later the CM checks the video footage of our standing there and from our facial expressions, the CM determines who is how loyal.” 

Well, I also did my share to cater to these idiosyncrasies of the dhotiwallahs. Afer all, as Edwin Lutyens once remarked, “India expects every man to do his dhoti.”

Poli-tickle

 

Politics is very dry, dusty, drab and full of machinations. However, there’s still surprising grace and subtlety sometimes. 

I’ll start with an incident in my cadre, West Bengal. An important bill was to be discussed in the West Bengal Legislative Assembly and Chief Minister Dr. Bidhan Chandra Roy was late for the discussion. When Dr. Roy entered the session hall, Jyoti Basu (Leader of Opposition) was furious and berated him for his conduct. Dr. Roy apologised and participated in the discussions. At the end of it, he called the still-agitated Jyoti Basu aside and said in a soft voice, "Jyoti...please go home. Your father (Dr. Nishikant Basu) is seriously ill. After getting the news, I came here after attending to him at your house. I have prescribed the medicines. Make sure he takes them on time. I’ll come and see him again in the evening.” 

Back in the late 19^th Century, there were many tales of the famous rivalry between Bejamin Disraeli and William Gladstone leading to many colourful exchanges between the two. Once, Opposition Leader Gladstone told Disraeli in the Parliament, “You will come to your end either upon the gallows or of a venereal disease,” to which Prime Minister Disraeli replied, “I should say, Mr. Gladstone, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.” 

Gandhi is not remembered enough for his simple and yet, sometimes devastating wit. Two incidents stand out around his visit to London in 1931 – the first one probably apocryphal but the second one made huge headlines at the time. When he alighted at Southampton, he was surrounded by reporters and one of them asked, “Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilization?” And Mr. Gandhi said, “That would be a good idea.” During the visit, he was invited for tea with Queen Mary and King George V at Buckingham Palace. Dressed in his customary loincloth, a shawl loosely draped over his naked torso and wearing homemade sandals, he visited the Buckingham Palace.  The meeting over, he was walking out of the palace gates when a journalist asked if he thought he was wearing enough. Gandhi’s iconic reply: “The King was wearing enough for the both of us.” 

In the U.S. Presidential elections, the TV debates between the contenders are often the difference between winning and losing. In 1984, President Ronald Reagan was trying for a second term in office and was pitted against Walter Mondale. After a shaky performance in the first debate, there were questions about his age (73) and fitness for office. The debate moderator, journalist Henry Trewhitt asked Reagan about his age and whether he had any doubt, on account of his age, to function well in a crisis. Reagan’s reply: “I have decided not to make age an issue of this campaign.” After a surprised gasp from the audience, he finished, "I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." This brought the house down with the audience and even the opponent, Mondale, bursting into lusty laughter and is considered the main reason for Reagan’s landslide victory. 

On October 10, 2008, during a Town Hall event in Lakeville, Minnesota for the Presidential campaign of John McCain, a woman constituent called his opponent Obama an Arab and how she couldn’t trust him. McCain was trailing badly in the opinion polls at that time. Even so, he grabbed the mic and took pains to chastise his constituent, “No ma'am, he's a decent family man, citizen, that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues, and that's what this campaign is all about," 

The exchanges in the U.K. Parliament over the Partygate scandal (2021-22) were robust and filled with typical British sardonic wit. Attacked from all sides for wild parties in 10, Downing Street while the rest of the country was under COVID-19 lockdown, Prime Minister Boris Johnson had hunkered down and was fighting it out. Until a respected backbencher of his own party, David Davis rose to speak. He listed some of the achievements of the Boris government and then said, “I expect my leaders to shoulder the responsibility for the actions they take. Yesterday he (Boris) did the opposite of that. So I will remind him of a quotation which may be familiar to his ear, Leopold Amery to Neville Chamberlain: ‘You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. In the name of God, go.’” This turned the tide decisively against Boris. And, the final nail in the coffin was driven home by another Tory member and former PM, Theresa May. Sue Gray report on the allegations had just come out. Theresa May: "What the Gray report does show is that No. 10, Downing Street was not observing the regulations they had imposed on members of the public. So either my right honourable friend (Boris) had not read the rules or didn't understand what they meant and others around him, or they didn't think the rules applied to Number 10. Which was it?" 

Back home, there were some famous exchanges between Leader of Opposition Sushma Swaraj and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. During a fierce debate in Parliament on corruption in the UPA government, Sushma Swaraj tried to corner the government with verses of Shahab Jafri: 

'तू इधर उधर की न बात कर,

ये बता कि काफिला क्यों लुटा,

हमें रहजनों से गिला नहीं,

तेरी रहबरी का सवाल है।'  

[Stop going round and round in circles,

Tell us why the caravan was looted.

The robbers are not to blame,

We look askance at your leadership.] 

Dr. Manmohan Singh didn’t meet fire with fire. He chose to douse the rage gently with Allama Iqbal’s: 

“माना कि तेरी दीद के काबिल नहीं हूं मैं,

तू मेरा शौक देख, मेरा इंतजार देख।" 

[I may not be worthy of your benevolent gaze.

But would you look at my zeal, my patience?] 

Again, during a Motion of Thanks on the President’s address, Manmohan Singh recited Mirza Ghalib: 

“हमको उनसे है वफा की उम्मीद,

जो नहीं जानते वफा क्या है।" 

[In vain I expect loyalty from those

Who do not even know what loyalty is.]

To which Sushma replied with the lines of Bashir Badr: 

“कुछ तो मजबूरियां रही होंगी,

यूं ही कोई बेवफा नहीं होता|”               

[There must have been some compulsion;

No one becomes disloyal for nothing.] 

Time was when there was immense grace and humour even in politics. Now too there is some grace and some humour. But, not in India. Not now. Now we have Didi-o O-Didi, Kanpati par katta, Vote chor, Chowkidar chor, aur kya kya ...