I’m turning 65 this year. Some of my friends
and colleagues are no more. Every Fellowship dinner of cadre IPS officers and
every school/college reunion brings forth news of some more people one knew but
have passed on. Increasingly, my thoughts are turning to death. Mine.
Death worries people. Lust for life is too
great and so is the fear of the unknown because no one knows what happens after
death. My father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. It took me a long, long
time to come to terms with it.
It feels sad when news of another death comes
in. However, I don’t think I’m afraid of death. When I was diagnosed with
Cancer in 2017-18, it was a bolt from the blue. As my knowledge of the disease
and treatment scenarios were extremely limited then, there was a certain period
of uncertainty. I didn’t know how much time I had and whether I’d live to see
another birthday. Since then, I’ve taken each day as a gift. Also, I’ve taken
care to tie up the financial aspects so that the family members won’t have to
run around too much.
I go to many palaces, forts, museums and
historic structures. I think about all those big and grand people who built or
sponsored them. All of them must have felt so important and so powerful. Quite
a few of them must have thought of themselves at the moment as invincible,
possibly immortal. What were their last days like? Did they realise the
futility of it all, or did they prepare for it well?
With the current progress of science, death is still
an unconquered frontier and inevitable. In fact, every day after being born, we
progress a little towards death. With that realisation comes a certain
acceptance. However, if possible, I’d like to have minimum suffering for myself
and others. Some people say that many times, one simply knows when the time has
come. I hope, when my time comes, I’ll just go quietly, without fuss and
without pain. I also hope, I’ll not live being dependent on others. Death is
the last thing I’ll do in life; I want to do it gracefully, preferably in style,
not “mewling and puking” and sobbing and crying. Life has many aspects,
including death. I’d like to accept death as an aspect of life.
What would my Obit look like if I were to write
it myself? May be:
"There went a guy who looked serious
But was actually very, very mischievous.
He took life as a bloody joke
His job, his career, his relationships all
brushed with that one stroke.
He was occasionally good but mostly mediocre
Didn’t mind being an under-achiever.
Now he’s gone but before going, he reminded
Everyone to eulogise or bitch about him but be
even-handed."
Hindus prescribe that when one visits a temple,
one shouldn’t exit immediately after the rituals but sit for a while before
doing so and quietly meditate upon a prayer:
"Anāyāsena
maraṇaṃ vinādainyena jīvanaṃ
dehānte tava sānnidhyam dehī me parameśvarama ..."
Translated:
"Give me death without pain
Grant me a life that I’m not dependent on any
one [let nobody has to help me sit up or lie down or feed me; let me not be
perverse]
When death comes, let me think of and see only
you.
O Lord, kindly grant me these three wishes."
I’m not particularly religious but do respect
the beliefs of all religions. So, whenever I visit any place of worship, be it
a temple or a church or a gurudwara or a mosque, I try to spend some time just
sitting there and thinking of the above.
I like reading and rereading a poem of Emily
Dickinson:
"Because I could not stop for Death
–
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just
Ourselves –
And Immortality.
We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility –
We passed the School, where
Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –
We passed the Fields of Gazing
Grain –
We passed the Setting Sun –
Or rather – He passed Us –
The Dews drew quivering and Chill –
For only Gossamer, my Gown –
My Tippet – only Tulle –
We paused before a House that
seemed
A Swelling of the Ground –
The Roof was scarcely visible –
The Cornice – in the Ground –
Since then – 'tis Centuries – and
yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity –"
