HEWK

I have always wondered why cops are given firearms - they could always kill brutally with the particularly fascinating form of language which passes for cop-English. 

I was first exposed to it when I received a leave application from a subordinate staff:

 

"Most respected Sir,

With reverence and reference to the above, I most humbly submit that my wife has been suffering from various female diseases for the last so many years when I have been working under your kind control to the entire satisfaction of my superiors.

Kindly give me leave for 10 days and oblige for which act of your profound kindness I shall remain eternally grateful to your kind self,

your most obedient servant, ..."

Much of Police communication takes place over the wireless. A typical wireless message:

"The situation was extremely tense but the police tackled it with a cold brain" (meaning, thande dimagse niptaya).

I once rushed with a huge contingent of force because of the following wireless transmission:

"One Miss Shikha is lying in a pool of blood on the tram line," “One Miss Shikha is lying …, “one Miss Shikha …” I went and found there was no Miss Shikha, no commotion, no nothing. Turned out, the guy was trying to communicate: Ek chhoti gai (i.e., one Miss She Calf) tram line pe mari padi hai.

 

The Police wireless is very abuzz whenever there is a VIP movement and all the persons speak very excitedly. One day, during the movement of the then Chief Minister, every point of Police deployment en route was confirming the movement of the cavalcade. Suddenly, “The CM has just passed away, the CM has just passed away …,” meaning the cavalcade had just crossed that point.

 

The important cases like murder, dacoity, etc. are designated as SR (Special Report) cases, i.e., they are supervised and monitored by senior officers and are disposed off only with the approval of the Deputy Inspector General. The monitoring is mainly through progress reports (PRs) which are initiated by the Circle Inspector and goes up the line where the SDPO, Additional SP, SP and DIG keep recording their orders for investigative actions. There was a bit of dispute about one of my Circle Inspector’s English. He thought it was brilliant; everyone else thought it was unspeakable. For some reason, he used to give his English (and his imagination) full flow while writing the PR of rape cases:

 

“X espied Miss Y at a marriage function of mutually interdicted couple and their four eyes became interlocked into two pairs. This increased into an affair which prospered into physical proportions. This propinquity continued not once, not twice, but again and again over a period of five years and three months. When the inevitable marriage was summoned, X’s wife objected vociferously and X declined stertorously …”

 

Another Circle Inspector used the English language creatively to escape having too many SR cases. Of all the cases, Dacoity with Murder is considered the most heinous. Such cases are recorded under section 396 IPC and are expected to be supervised by senior officers without any loss of time. One morning I heard that there was such a case in a particular Police Station the previous night and rushed there. The Circle Inspector feigned ignorance and said that there was no SR case. I decided to check all the cases of the previous night and found that there indeed had been such a case. What he had done was, he had written up the case as an Unnatural Death case. Now, an Unnatural Death can range from anything from an accident through drowning to suicide, etc. and a specific case is not even registered. He had recorded a complaint under section 424 IPC which pertains to fraudulent removal of property which is a minor, bailable offence. When I berated him, he offered to start a case under section 404 IPC – dishonest misappropriation of property possessed by a person at the time of his death. Hello!

 

Pre-computer days, one had to depend on the steno to take dictation in short-hand and transfigure it on a typewriter. I had a steno who could understand any language provided it was Bengali so it was a laborious process. Mostly, whatever he produced had very little resemblance with what I had dictated and the first output had to be heavily edited, emended, corrected. Around the third effort, it would be somewhat passable. There was an urgent query from the CM’s office which needed to be replied to immediately so I asked the steno to do it carefully. I gave him dictation for about half an hour because I had to choose the words with some care. Suddenly I saw that his pencil was not moving on the notepad so I asked him how come. He politely informed me that he hadn’t understood a word of what I’d dictated in the previous 15 minutes or so, hence he had stopped taking it in short hand. I was flabbergasted and asked him why he didn’t stop me and ask. He said, “Sir, aapnaar flow ta nashto hoi jeto” [Sir, your flow of thoughts would have been disrupted]!!!

 

I didn’t say anything but was reminded of the Ajit-Raabert joke:

Scene:  Ajit thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.

Ajit:                   Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert:           Magar kyon baas ?

Ajit:                   Typing to nahi aatee, kamsekam shaarthand to kar legi.

 

 

I have also wondered what would have happened if Shashi Tharoor had become a cop and was blessed to have that steno …

 

Have English, Will Kill (HEWK).

 

[Second episode later! It will be called USEL -

Unconditional Surrender of the English Language.]

Proud to be a Hindu

 

In today’s India, there is a lot of discussion around Hindu. Shashi Tharoor has written a book titled, “Why I am a Hindu.” This has left me stunned, startled, aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished and numbed. How dare he? 

To be a proper Hindu, you have to go to Hindu. Like I did.

 

I was all of sixteen and, as Mr. Hardeep Puri, hon’ble Minister said about himself in the self-same situation, “with nothing more than a school certificate and an application form in my hand.” It was the best of times as the crazy cut-offs had not kicked in then; it was the worst of times for a small-town boy overawed by the bright city lights, barely able to speak English and dreading the ragging in the hostel.

 

Soon after entering the hostel, we were marched in before the seniors. And the indoctrination started. First, we had to introduce ourselves and then spell our names – in CAPITAL LETTERS! Then, we had to learn and recite the Hindu namaz. Only after adequate proficiency in this, we were introduced to the virgin tree. I think, during my first year, Protima Bedi who visited for a show was chosen as Damdami Mai for the Valentine Day obeisance. Then we had to go to Miranda House to lose the gaali exchange with the girls and come back sheepishly. Only after two months of this baptism by fire and ice would we graduate to Freshers’ Night and be bestowed the notional keys to the Lovers’ Lane, that mysterious place unknown to singles and the faculty.

 

In Delhi University, all gents’ hostels were out of bounds for girls except in Hindu where girls were (unofficially) allowed up to 8 PM. Whether they were actually allowed after that, well, don’t ask and I will not tell.

 

In the hostel, there was an institution called Dhan Singh. Nothing escaped his gimlet eye. At the beginning of the month, each hosteller had to declare whether he would have veg or non-veg dish for the month. That dish was controlled. Any extra helping was charged. A veg optee having a non-veg dish or vice versa was charged extra. So, in proper Hindu tradition, the attempts to beat the system were many and varied. But old Dhan Singh, in just one cursory glance, could always, ALWAYS, unerringly make out who was doing what “funny business” and swoop down with a register to sign. After some time, we all gave up trying to outsmart him. We feared him but he was also the best part of our lives. He was our “winter of despair;” he was also our “spring of hope.”

 

Beneath that no-nonsense exterior, Dhan Singh had a hidden font of generosity, helpfulness, diligence and care. Somehow, he knew all the problems of all the 200 hostellers and would act as friend, philosopher and guide. I was trying to work my way through the fees and bills and would be sometimes late rushing back from my part-time job/s in the evening. Despite the mess hours being strict and Dhan Singh enforcing them strictly, he would make sure that a plate was kept for me, hidden. I had never asked him for the favour nor told him about my financial situation. When we applied for the IIMs and some other places, we had to send stamped self-addressed envelopes so that the institutes could inform us about the interview call. This was critical communication but the call letters came by ordinary, non-registered post and used to get misplaced sometimes. It was Dhan Singh who advised us to send unstamped envelopes so that the postman would chase us with the letters to collect the penalty. That way, all of us lucky ones never missed an interview call.

 

Many of the wall magazine write-ups and limericks immortalised Dhan Singh in lyrical prose and lively poetry. There was a mixer with Miranda girls. The notice gave the date, time, other details and concluded, “Come one, come all; there will be music and Dhan Singh.”

 

There was strict sorting of the students, based on their hip quotient. The usual categories were Sheetal Billi, Sampoorna Billi, Moti Billi and Raheesh Billi, meaning Cool Cat, Total Cat, Fat Cat and Ash Can Cat. Inter-‘cat’egory migration was possible, but after great effort.

 

In my final year, we were once rudely woken up at 2 AM in the night with a lot of commotion, shouting and fisticuffs. All of us went to investigate. We found that some of the students were bashing up the mess supplier. Apparently, for all those years when we were happy to opt for non-veg, the supplier had been palming off dog meat as goat meat. Some of the students had found out and had hauled him in for a punch-up. No wonder, batch after batch of the pass-outs turned out to be so dog-matic.

 

There was the famous Jai Singh dhaba which has been the key component of much of the country’s post-Independence governance. Sustained by its nourishing Bun-Andaa, hundreds of students from three institutions went on to crack the civil services. If ever a proper survey of the premier government service holders is conducted, it will be seen that a disproportionately large percentage of those brains were nurtured in their formative years by a healthy diet of the Jai Singh dhaba Bun-Andaas. There was the chargesheeted Sher Singh, with a rumoured 12 murders to his credit. He somehow managed an admission in Hindu and terrorized the whole university for a while. Then he fell in love and tried to be a lady-“killer,” with tragic consequences. All this and more, for another day.

 

With so much of rich, assiduously ingrained experience under my belt, I am proud to be a Hindu(ite). Shashi Tharoor can’t be. He went to some other college. Stephen’s or something. So, how dare he?