HEWK

I have always wondered why cops are given firearms - they could always kill brutally with the particularly fascinating form of language which passes for cop-English. 

I was first exposed to it when I received a leave application from a subordinate staff:

 

"Most respected Sir,

With reverence and reference to the above, I most humbly submit that my wife has been suffering from various female diseases for the last so many years when I have been working under your kind control to the entire satisfaction of my superiors.

Kindly give me leave for 10 days and oblige for which act of your profound kindness I shall remain eternally grateful to your kind self,

your most obedient servant, ..."

Much of Police communication takes place over the wireless. A typical wireless message:

"The situation was extremely tense but the police tackled it with a cold brain" (meaning, thande dimagse niptaya).

I once rushed with a huge contingent of force because of the following wireless transmission:

"One Miss Shikha is lying in a pool of blood on the tram line," “One Miss Shikha is lying …, “one Miss Shikha …” I went and found there was no Miss Shikha, no commotion, no nothing. Turned out, the guy was trying to communicate: Ek chhoti gai (i.e., one Miss She Calf) tram line pe mari padi hai.

 

The Police wireless is very abuzz whenever there is a VIP movement and all the persons speak very excitedly. One day, during the movement of the then Chief Minister, every point of Police deployment en route was confirming the movement of the cavalcade. Suddenly, “The CM has just passed away, the CM has just passed away …,” meaning the cavalcade had just crossed that point.

 

The important cases like murder, dacoity, etc. are designated as SR (Special Report) cases, i.e., they are supervised and monitored by senior officers and are disposed off only with the approval of the Deputy Inspector General. The monitoring is mainly through progress reports (PRs) which are initiated by the Circle Inspector and goes up the line where the SDPO, Additional SP, SP and DIG keep recording their orders for investigative actions. There was a bit of dispute about one of my Circle Inspector’s English. He thought it was brilliant; everyone else thought it was unspeakable. For some reason, he used to give his English (and his imagination) full flow while writing the PR of rape cases:

 

“X espied Miss Y at a marriage function of mutually interdicted couple and their four eyes became interlocked into two pairs. This increased into an affair which prospered into physical proportions. This propinquity continued not once, not twice, but again and again over a period of five years and three months. When the inevitable marriage was summoned, X’s wife objected vociferously and X declined stertorously …”

 

Another Circle Inspector used the English language creatively to escape having too many SR cases. Of all the cases, Dacoity with Murder is considered the most heinous. Such cases are recorded under section 396 IPC and are expected to be supervised by senior officers without any loss of time. One morning I heard that there was such a case in a particular Police Station the previous night and rushed there. The Circle Inspector feigned ignorance and said that there was no SR case. I decided to check all the cases of the previous night and found that there indeed had been such a case. What he had done was, he had written up the case as an Unnatural Death case. Now, an Unnatural Death can range from anything from an accident through drowning to suicide, etc. and a specific case is not even registered. He had recorded a complaint under section 424 IPC which pertains to fraudulent removal of property which is a minor, bailable offence. When I berated him, he offered to start a case under section 404 IPC – dishonest misappropriation of property possessed by a person at the time of his death. Hello!

 

Pre-computer days, one had to depend on the steno to take dictation in short-hand and transfigure it on a typewriter. I had a steno who could understand any language provided it was Bengali so it was a laborious process. Mostly, whatever he produced had very little resemblance with what I had dictated and the first output had to be heavily edited, emended, corrected. Around the third effort, it would be somewhat passable. There was an urgent query from the CM’s office which needed to be replied to immediately so I asked the steno to do it carefully. I gave him dictation for about half an hour because I had to choose the words with some care. Suddenly I saw that his pencil was not moving on the notepad so I asked him how come. He politely informed me that he hadn’t understood a word of what I’d dictated in the previous 15 minutes or so, hence he had stopped taking it in short hand. I was flabbergasted and asked him why he didn’t stop me and ask. He said, “Sir, aapnaar flow ta nashto hoi jeto” [Sir, your flow of thoughts would have been disrupted]!!!

 

I didn’t say anything but was reminded of the Ajit-Raabert joke:

Scene:  Ajit thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.

Ajit:                   Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert:           Magar kyon baas ?

Ajit:                   Typing to nahi aatee, kamsekam shaarthand to kar legi.

 

 

I have also wondered what would have happened if Shashi Tharoor had become a cop and was blessed to have that steno …

 

Have English, Will Kill (HEWK).

 

[Second episode later! It will be called USEL -

Unconditional Surrender of the English Language.]

The cop and the bribe go one step up

 

Pre-Kandahar hijacking, airport security used to be manned by the local police. At Calcutta airport, there was enormous jockeying to be posted to the international frisking wing which used to be allocated on rotational basis. A Constable hauled up before me in the orderly room for some misdemeanour was barely able to speak, even in Bengali. I thought he had some speech impediment or problems with language skills. When his turn came, the same Constable was posted to the international frisking wing. I used to sometimes tag along in civvies, incognito, in the queue of passengers waiting to be frisked. I found that the posting had wrought a miracle in the above Constable. Not only did it cure him of his speech impediment, he was now fluent in English also. I saw and heard him engaged in a lucid conversation with a British passenger, “Sir, you are our English master. We are your Indian slaves. You may give me some pounds. Or dollars. Even some 555 cigarettes will do …”

At Calcutta airport, it was sometimes difficult to digest some of the capers the personnel could get up to. The airport duty is round-the-clock so the personnel are deployed in eight-hour shifts. A Dy SP supervises the duty of the personnel in each shift and is present at the airport during his shift to attend to any urgent problems. Once, a passenger complained to the shift Dy SP regarding extortion by a Constable and gave the complaint in writing. The Dy SP summoned the Constable and asked him for an explanation. The Constable swore up and down and sideways that he was innocent. When the Dy SP pointed to the written complaint, the Constable grabbed it and immediately proceeded to eat it up. By that time, the passenger and his flight had already left so all that was left of the evidence was a little bit of indigestion for the Constable. Which brings me to a little higher up.

How does an IPS officer make money, if he is so inclined? Obviously, he is above going from truck to truck or weekly market to weekly market or chewing up evidence against him. Well, he has serious discretionary powers over all those who do all those things. Let’s go back a little in history.

The colonial rule did suffer from fears of illegitimacy in the minds of the people for the early part. There was considerable effort at display of grandeur to counteract such perceptions in the populace. Thus, the British built few hospitals and schools but the police stations and buildings were elaborate, imposing bungalows in Victorian architecture, with high ceilings and broad verandas all around where most of the official work was carried out. The same principle applied to SP offices and residences, armed guards and escorts, addressing senior officers as “Huzur Bahadur” (the brave gentleman) or “Kaptaan Sahib'' (the lordly captain), practices which endure till date. And so do the buildings. Inspections by senior officers used to be accompanied by tiger hunts and lavish stay, feasts and entertainment arrangements, all paid for by the Police Stations.

Would a senior officer of the British India of the 19^th century landing up at a Police Station of today find things different? Not much. Tiger hunts have, of course, been banned. However, these have been replaced by new year parties, picnics and official “get togethers'' with family and friends, at “Dak Bungalows.” The entertainment of senior officers by the subordinate staff is even now an established practice in the police departments and beyond a token payment, all other expenses are passed down to the SHOs. That British India officer would miss the tiger hunt but otherwise feel right at home.

In Police, we have a system of a monthly meeting, called the Crime Conference. It’s usually about three hours of grilling the officers on crime and their countervailing efforts in their areas of responsibility – COMPSTAT in New York by Bratton was the nearest that US had. One of my predecessors in a post used to have two Crime Conferences – one for grilling the officers on the crimes and the second one held on his residential lawns by his wife to discuss why the last month’s brown envelope was smaller in size than the previous month’s … There are always people searching for ways to bribe without being obvious about it. Birthday gifts for the child come in real handy. This same predecessor’s son used to have at least half a dozen birthdays per year as a result…

In a district, while the final disciplining powers vest with the SP, the minor punishment powers are delegated to the SDPOs and the Additional SPs for officials in their jurisdictions. In one district, I found that the SP had taken away this delegation and used to deal with all infringements himself. Because of this, he had to hold Orderly Rooms on almost every working day. While the number of personnel accused of the misdemeanours was huge, I found that he had not awarded a single punishment to anyone in his entire tenure. The implications were staggering.

Police recruitment is the big money spinner. While in Calcutta Police as Dy. Commissioner (DC), I was sent to a district called Burdwan for recruiting 100 Constables. Trying to be extremely diligent. I closely supervised all phases of the recruitment – measurement of height, chest, chest expansion, weight, 800 metres run within 4 minutes and so many seconds, 15 feet long jump, 100 metres sprint within 15 seconds, interview and so on. Just to be safe, I made everyone run singly for 100 metres with a stop watch in my hand. The process was so rigorous that there were less than a hundred people qualifying the physical tests. As a result, interview was inconsequential, eliminating the discretion component. Despite all this, I learnt that there had been widespread corruption. How? Apparently, there were these touts who promised the job to most of the candidates and collected two lakh rupees from each. They pocketed the money from all those who were selected on merit and returned the money to all those who failed. At Rs. 2 lacs per head for 100 selected – a neat two crores, in one district alone. No one complained. The selected candidates were happy. The failed ones got their money back and had no grievance. The touts were laughing all the way to the bank. If a DC taps into this, he also chuckles. One DC of Calcutta Police sent to North Bengal for recruitment in several districts never returned – they’re still waiting for him, after decades. Meanwhile, the immediate target of that constable having paid Rs. 2 lacs would be to recoup the money as quickly as possible …

Posting of officers and men is the other big one. I have heard that in many states, many times, the SHO posts of police stations are auctioned to the highest bidder. By its very nature, the organisation is secretive and this creates great opportunities. Subversion of investigation of major cases on pecuniary and political considerations is one of these. Cuts from vendors supplying uniforms, office equipment, vehicles, arms, ammunition and gadgets work out to huge amounts because the numbers are very high. The Police strength of a medium-sized state is over a lakh. The strength of one paramilitary force is above 2.5 lakh. The maths of any percentage cuts can be overwhelming. The budget estimate for Police expenditure for a medium-sized state for 2022-23 is above Rs. 10,000 cr. Police modernisation for both the state and the central police forces have huge budgets and, of course, huge opportunities.

When I joined the service, I thought there was a small, miniscule proportion of IPS officers (the so-called “haves”) creating a bad name for the majority (the so-called “have-nots”). Do I still hold that opinion? Well, ahem, ahem …

 

You were supposed to lend these powerful shoulders to the weak against the mighty …

 … what have you done with the stars in your hands?!

The cop and the bribe

 

There is a system called “Bharat Darshan” prescribed for all government officers of Group A. This essentially means that during probation, a group of young, idealistic trainees go around the countryside under the guidance of a senior officer of the service to various parts of the country, get acquainted with different cultures, traditions and different systems of administration in different parts of India that is Bharat. Usually, it covers 5/6 states in each route – you meet the Governor, Chief Minister, President/ Prime Minister if your route includes Delhi, Chief Secretary, DGP and so on.

In one of the groups, 21 of my batch, bright – eyed IPS probbies accompanied by a seasoned IPS officer were ushered into the august presence of a particular DGP in a state. Many of the probbies asked probing questions like how to improve the criminal justice delivery system, whether there was life after or outside IPS and so on, when the DGP held out a restraining hand and asked, “Woh sab toh theek hei, yeh bataao, paisa kamana hei ki nahin?” The officers were stunned! The DGP asking this! He amplified, “Nahin, nahin, yeh baat nahin hai. When you join the posting, people will be very curious about you. No matter how much you try to hide anything, within three years of service, everyone will have a very good fix on you. Whether you are trying to be part of the ‘haves’ (read corrupt) or ‘have nots’ (read beggar). If ‘have,’ whether you are a ‘grass – eater’ (Allah ke naam pe kuchh de de) or a ‘man – eater’ (I shall squeeze your neck ever so slowly but with excruciating force until you cough up your last drop) and so on. Point is, if in those crucial three years you have built the reputation of a ‘have not’ and after three years, you want to ‘have’, you can’t. Yeh kambakht reputation tumhe paisa kamane nahin dega. Soch lo. Paisa to kuchh logon ko chahiye hota hai. The time to decide is now.” The probbies didn’t know whether to think of it as some weird sense of humour or a brush with real life.

When I was doing my district training, I was attached to a Police Station. Part of the routine consisted of stopping errant drivers and booking them for traffic violations. One truck driver offered me Rs. 50 for releasing his truck. I was flabbergasted. How dare he try to bribe a senior officer like me? So I started to give him a lecture on the hierarchy in Police. I told him that most of the cops he deals with are Constables and, on his lucky day, probably a Head Constable. Above this rank is an Assistant Sub Inspector who reports to a Sub Inspector who is the BIG GUN, usually called “Bada Babu.” A Sub Inspector is usually in charge of a Police Station. Several Police Stations come under an Inspector. Several Inspectors report to a Dy. S.P. and above Dy. S.P. is a rank of Assistant Superintendent of Police which was roughly where I was. His daring to bribe such a senior officer was mind boggling. The truck driver was suitably chastened and said, “Galti ho gaya sahab. Sau rupaiya (100 rupees) le lijiye.” I was depressed for days. That was the only time I was offered a bribe. Some mistake somewhere in those first three years, probably.

During my first posting as SDPO, Alipurduar, I was staying at a guest house until my predecessor vacated the government quarters. I moved in the day he vacated and then I realised that I needed to have a cot and basic furniture. When I was debating where to go to buy these things on instalment basis, my security guard who was a Constable suggested that since he had a spare cot, he should lend it to me until I made more permanent arrangement. Gradually, it turned out he had spare everything, spare cot, spare dining table, spare TV, spare VCR and so on. When I asked him how he managed to achieve so much at such a young age, he said one single posting at Barobisha and he had gone from “shunya to shikhar” within three months. Barobisha is the check post between West Bengal and Assam. I went back to the subdivision for a holiday three years after leaving it. This same Constable heard about my visit and came to meet me. As a part of small talk, I asked him where he was posted. He said cheerfully that he had been under suspension for about a year on charges of grand corruption …